It's been a while!

Hello everyone!!! Well this is life post gap year! I got home in may and I haven't really had the time or any interest in writing another blog until now. Basically I got back home to Austin and started a summer job at this cute local smoothie shop/ cafe. It's been a really great job and has had a lot of flexibility with me as well as good pay which means saving for college! As some of you may know I am going to Colorado State University and I have decided to major in international studies with a concentration on the middle east and north Africa and minor in political science. I am so excited to be back in a classroom setting (never thought I'd say that) and just be in a routine of learning about things I am passionate about. I am pumped to be living in Colorado and can't wait to get into all the outdoors stuff. Coming home from the gap year and re-adjusting has been a lot different than I imagined it would be. For a while I found myself being really cynical about life here and just really hating being home and feeling super stuck. I always had an attitude with my mom for a while and just really was not grateful to be home. I was frustrated and emotionally stuck because I felt like not many people cared at all what I had to say and I felt like no one understood me at all because I come across as a very different person than what I was when I left. I slowly began kind of spiraling into emotional and mental exhaustion and didn't know how to get myself out. My new routine of getting up, going to work, coming home, going out or going to bed, had become so mundane and ordinary to me it made me angry. I wanted nothing more than to go back to the wonderful friends I had made and travel the world all over again. I cried about it so many times and started to feel extremely anxious in my every day life because I had come to the conclusion that no other time in my life would ever be as good and that was the best I would ever experience. That was like a punch in the face to me. I felt like I had lost purpose and didn't really see the point if that was as good as it was ever going to get. I saw a quote that I felt like describes my feelings perfectly: "Traveling gives you a home in a thousand different places but then leaves you a stranger in your own land." This was exactly what I felt like. I felt like I no longer had a place here in Austin, like I shouldn't be here and there was no reason for me to stay here and spend my whole summer in a place I didn't belong. But then I stopped. I remembered that one huge thing I learned this year is that bitterness hinders growth. I need to not let pride become an insurmountable object! I realized that I am going to college soon so that in itself would be a huge change of pace. I just recently got back from orientation and it made me realize that I was going to meet so many new and interesting people, I would truly enjoy my classes, I loved my adviser, loved the campus, loved the town and so much more. This kind of just gave me hope for the future and just a really grateful heart that I have family that supports me following my dreams and a couple of close friends who want to have such a positive impact on my life. I know that the past is so sweet but the future is too! Since coming home I made one big change and that was going vegan.... I know, crazy right? I just felt that this was the best decision for my health and my life and conscious. Now I don't have to feel guilty about the food I am eating because I know it's nutritional and not harming other beings. I know this isn't the lifestyle for everyone (even though I think it could be lol) and I won't ever push that choice on everyone else but I am happy that people in my life have been supportive of my decision. It hasn't been nearly as hard as I thought it would be but I guess part of that can be due to the fact that I work at a vegan cafe. But anyways in the past couple of days I have been contemplating how to have a grateful heart and just be aware of the fact that some seasons in life feel menial but you have to go through them with a good outlook and know that those times hold so much importance as well as the super exciting times in life. I am thankful that I have gotten to spend time with my sister and nephew this summer and realize how important family is! I was listening to a podcast the other day that fives (on the enneagram) feel like they have to retreat from relationships to feel comfortable and I have definitely found that to be true in my past but I am really trying to challenge that this summer and see what would happen if I dove into relationships and allowed that to hold an important part in my life instead of something on the back burner. I am working on finding ways to spend time with my mom in a way that's fun for her and me.... if anyone has any ideas on a good way for 5's and 6's to spend time together and both enjoy it please please please let me know! hahaha. It's interesting because my best friend Virginia is a 6 and me and her never seem to have any problems with finding things to do together that we both like (on the rare occasion that we see each other) but me and my mom can hardly ever agree on something to occupy our time together that we both enjoy. I guess that just proves how two people of the same type can still be so different. So for now I suppose I have a lot to work on before I go off to school. I am trying to make myself wake up earlier even though I don't have work until eleven because all of my classes next semester are 8 AM's... lol wish me luck. I hope everyone who reads this that feels like this stage of their life isn't exciting or important can find ways to see the purpose in it! I have listened to a lot of podcasts lately about purpose, meditation, happiness and finding beauty in life and I really feel like it has helped me a ton! Also it's important to see that maybe in the gritty chaos of things, there is still a possibility to see old things in new ways on days like today and maybe the little things can carry a lot of weight. It's good for me to realize I am not the same having seen the moon shine on the other side of the world and maybe I can never go back to that time and that place and be the same person I was but that all of that is beautiful because of its uniqueness. There is a reason I am different now and I can hold onto great memories without being sad that I can't go back, but by being grateful that it happened and have a heart of gratitude about it. I have been trying to keep up with things going on in all the places that I have visited and that hasn't been easy but it is so cool to read a news article and relate to it on such a personal level because I had been to that place and learned so much about it and met so many great people there, however it also makes it kind of heartbreaking especially when I read about things happening in Palestine. Palestine is a place that will always have my heart. That place is the reason I chose the major and minor I did for college and I also got a tattoo of the coordinates of Palestine on my ribs so it would always be near my heart. Some people may think that's stupid or silly but that place truly had such an incredible impact on my life and how I see the world and so I thought it would be a cool representation of that.  Alright well it is time for me to head to work. I know this blog was kind of all over the place but I appreciate anyone who reads it! Please like and share if you want to!